i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
