dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
