That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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