i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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