Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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