The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
