The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I pour the whiskey from now on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
