Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
