my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
