apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
