Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
