I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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