Umm I'm too high to move.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
