Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
