guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
