the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
