got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
