Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
