woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
