You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
