so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
