He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
