And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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