Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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