Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
