I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
