You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
