How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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