I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
