I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
