Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
