saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
