i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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