So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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