someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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