He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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