Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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