Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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