I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
