Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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