8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
