Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
