i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you would pick up someone in the library
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
