it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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