Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So. Much. Porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
