walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
