i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
