Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Please don't give away my fajitas
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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