The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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