apparently the secret to your success is patron
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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