my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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