grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
