you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
