If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
