I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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