running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
