I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think we might need a safe word for this...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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