Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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